S is a vibrant, creative and deeply kind Spirit. Here she describes her journey with accepting herself, particularly the darkness within.
Spectrum: a wonderful word. We have spectrums for so many things. Light, sound, colour, madness, aberrance. And of course, there’s the clown’s spectrum, which so divinely fools us all.
Life: an overture of shifting spectrums. A dizzyingly wondrous waltz. It can leave you disoriented, but curious for one more spin. And in the 1-2-3 of the waltz lies utter stillness. Our utopia, our nirvana. This is the pianissimo of our waltz. Most softly played, most discretely felt, most easily missed.
Change: a terrifying, beautiful concept. That defining moment the key of your waltz shifts from major to minor. The sudden movement leaves us unsure, captivated. Unfamiliar sounds, sights, deviances suddenly engulf. Sometimes we must dance to the madness of our tunes. But sometimes we need to stand very still. And this is our eternal struggle; when to dance and when to stand still.
My spectrums have been shifting and twisting. My waltz still counts 1-2-3, but it murmurs and hums and hisses to itself. It changes beat and moves keys, indiscriminately. It likes to tease me, sometimes mock me. My spectrums were linear, orderly. But now, my spectrums have spectrums. And I’m finally finding something in the ever-changing landscape of my mind. Not sure what this ‘something’ is yet. But it breathes and has its own rhythm. It moves and grows. It’s the evolution of my spectrums. From the chaotic primordial soup rises a new state of mind.
Journeys: they are never easy. We must plan, we must pack, we must tell our loved ones we’re going. The journey of our spectrums should be treated with the same rigour. But the spectrum waltz catches you unaware. It forces itself upon you, seducing you. It will take you down dark, lonely, unknown paths. You must be the conductor of this waltz. Let go and you will never finish that symphony. We all have utter darkness in us, it terrifies and confuses. Love those low notes, they add depth to your ever-changing tune. Embrace them gently, but keep them controlled. My darkness knows she can move with ease. She’s nimble and agile, sometimes more than me. She has taken me on some amazing journeys. But I always come home, she always fades out.
Home: this is for you to decide. But know this. The darkness and the clown’s spectrum, the waltz with its 1-2-3, the screams and the silence, the dance and the stillness, the darkness and the light – they always remain with you. They are you.